Betrayal

If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend. - Psalm 55:12-13

Betrayal is nothing new.  In most cases, our deepest pains and heartaches come from those closest to us and often times from other believers.  I have discovered that my expectations are higher for those in the church.  As the expectations are higher, so are the disappointments.  Lowering expectations and assuming the worst does sound extreme, but surprisingly yields the most happiness.  Expecting others to fail us can be a source of great comfort when dealing with difficult people or circumstances.  Leadership takes guts and along with leadership comes hardship, hurts, and discouragement, but if you are focused on serving and pleasing the only one that matters, true joy can result.  If you are going to focus on things you can't control (other people or what they say behind your back) you are inviting pain and suffering.  In the end, the only thing that really matters is what God thinks, not others.  Betrayals are difficult, however, Jesus was betrayed and so were Joseph and David.  The people closest to them were the ones that turned their backs on them. Modeling their reactions to horrible situations can take your spirituality to a whole new level.  None of us are perfect.  If we are able to move to a place of forgiveness in our hearts despite what others say or do, it is a freedom that transcends all understanding but a great source of comfort during trials.  The vindicator will come to judge the quick and the dead and eventually make all things right.

Competition within the Church/Walls of Division

These thoughts and post are from Prime Time with God.  I have felt compelled to write about unity for many months, but these few thoughts sum up why unity cannot be obtained within the church when competition and walls of division are present.

The walls of division and competition among his body are a stench in God's nostrils.  He sees the competition and pride of ownership and weeps for the lost who cannot come to him because they cannot see him in his body.  When his body is one, the unbelieving see that Jesus was sent by God.  The key is in the hand of the church.  When there is unity, there is power.  Scripture tells us 5 will chase 100 but 100 will chase 10,000 (see Lev. 26:8.)  We are 100 times more effective when we are in unity.  Jesus prayed that we might be one, as the Father and he are one.  When this love is in us, we are drawn to each other with a common mission. The walls fall down.  The independent spirit is broken.  Competition is destroyed.  Satan's accusations are thwarted.  Our love for one another is manifested to the world around us.  Lost souls seek the love!

Well, that about sums it up if we would just be obedient and stop comparing ourselves.

Misunderstood

There are few things more frustrating than being misunderstood.  Communication is key, but what do you do when details in speech are not part of your genetic makeup or you don't fully complete thoughts and sentences to perfect accuracy.  Even the best communicators are sure to fall short of a never ending load of information.  Juggling multiple tasks can get complicated and overwhelming.  Every person is beating to their own drum in dealing with  issues, idols, and problems which makes communicating to others even more difficult.  Some people are sensitive and others can roll anything off their shoulders without thinking twice.  We all have fears, certain insecurities, and doubts about ourselves and others.  What happens when you are not clear when trying finish a thought or express a feeling or situation?  Immediately, assumptions play in on the other person's end making conversation confusing.  Subconsciousness becomes active and guards are in full operation.  Sometimes, I wish there was a heart monitoring device that spoke evidence of authenticity.  The worse feeling in the world is being misunderstood.  Even the best intentions are typically shot down by other's collected and evaluated opinions.  I wish more people with give the benefit of the doubt to other's motives without being judgmental. I often think of that word in an interesting way...judge=mental - because when we judge others or have paranoid feelings, it can drive us mental.  Often times, we take matters into our own hands and try to make decisions based on false accusations, hear say or misunderstandings.  This is so painful and wrong.  Relationships take time and effort and a willingness to sit down and discuss matters one on one to clear the air.  Sadly, most people have already made their decisions about others instead of making a real attempt to have authentic relationships.  I feel like a pretty deep person and dear friend to others, but often times am clearly misunderstood.  This may be one of the most painful experiences to endure when trying to build meaningful relationships.  Most of us have that deep longing to be known and be accepted but very few are willing to get vulnerable and expose it all.  Without risks there are no returns.  The only way to build a foundation of trustworthy relationships is to continually put yourself out there boldly for others to accept or reject.  Being misunderstood is hard, but I have found the best way to personal growth and happiness with others is to be a risk taker and communicate likes, dislikes, fears, and frustrations.  We take the chance of being hurt, but we also take a chance of being known and being loved.  However, we can be assured, the true friends will shine through and the others will be pruned out.  It is a blessing to learn true friendships.  When you reveal weaknesses, and others go for the juggler, you know you can move on and not waste any more time trying to build a foundation.  In a way, the pain is actually an avenue to for growth and development of character to rise above the ones who are not authentic and cling to the people who treat you right!

Worth

Where do you find your worth? Worldly pleasures only go so far and then what? Most people can admit to some degree where they put their worth. Some of us find our worth in education or our intelligence or we may think our worth is attached to what kind of car we drive or what kind of house we own. It could be a particular job or even our friendships. The Bible is clear where are worth is found but many people simply refuse to believe the truth. People wandering around looking for happiness in all the wrong places, trying to fill their love tanks with hopeless things that never deliver on their promises. We fill ourselves with pride over our accomplishments but forget how those accomplishments were attained in the first place. Time is fleeting, and I want to leave a legacy for my children by letting them know their true value and worth rests in Christ alone. We are called to be living sacrifices for our King. How does this translate? It means giving all you have back to the one who gives it in the first place. He owns it anyway. The only way for them to catch this idea is by living it out for them to see. Leading by example is the best opportunity I can give them to live for the one who died for them. Hopefully, someday they will know the sacrifices that were made were for a heavenly Father that gave it all so I could live. This is where I find my worth!

Reminder Not to Cling to Anything in This World

We all remember hearing about the Joplin tornado and the destruction it caused for so many families. I cannot comprehend the damage or trauma so many suffered, however, Paul and I were able to attend a shower given by a friend to support her brother and sister-in-law who literally lost everything they owned including their house AND business. Fortunately, their children and family survived. To hear their story runs shivers down my spine and quickly reminds me how easily life as we know it can change in a heartbeat. It is a reminder to hold loosely to all blessings, gifts and talents that have been entrusted to me. This includes health, intelligence, athletic ability, friends, family and belongings. Ultimately, it is only by God's grace that any of these things exist. God has crafted a plan for all of our lives, but we are not "entitled" to anything. Any or all of it can be taken in a flash. I am thankful to realize my hope for a future does not end here on earth and am looking forward to one day without tears, pain, and suffering and to living in glory with God. I am reminded of scripture in Matthew 6:19 regarding treasures in Heaven "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. I am also reminded of Matthew 6:25-27 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I am thankful for another day with family and friends and the ability to worship with a church family filled with amazing leaders who continue to share the good news of the gospel!

Another Book Title

As I have been reflecting on the expectations and requirements of what it means to be a mom, I realize life is not black and white nor cut and dry. Life is not perfect and not everything is meant to be fixed or "perfect." Usually, lessons are learned when life is upside and quite a mess. This is where we usually find God's grace and peace that transcends all understanding. It is when we are faced with chaos and challenge that the spirit wants to produce perseverance and determination. Without struggle, we wouldn't need a gracious God and would never get to see him at work in our lives in a tangible way. Yesterday when my identity was "at risk," I was feeling very threatened and hurt; but after much reflection, my identity was in the wrong place, "being a mom." My identity should be in Christ alone. If this is true, then my feelings would not have been so crushed at the harsh words my husband spoke to me. Not only that, but I could realize his love language of acts of service and that he came home after a hard day of work and was expecting dinner to be on the table and was crabby and hungry. I can easily get stuck in feelings of unworthiness and take words very personally but have the choice to either believe the ludicrous words spoken, or realize my true identity in Christ. I am sure many people struggle with these same issues and can be sensitive to harsh words, especially if their love language is words of affirmation. While this doesn't excuse inappropriate behavior, it does give me rest and peace of mind to be loved relentlessly by my heavenly Father. Lord willing, hopefully The White Line will get written about God's grace, but the next book title should be The Perils of Perfection and Living with Organized Chaos. The book cover could depict a picture of the corner of a beautiful house with a white picked fence and the other portion of the cover would be flames with mostly ashes. Perfection = destruction and the only answer is love and grace.

Boundaries

Over the weekend, a dear friend dropped by to deliver some delicious chocolate chip cookies. While she was visiting, I was making a batch of homemade chicken noodle soup. This soup is a labor of love and takes well over 2 hours to make, so she didn't mind that I was working during our visit. She also didn't mind that I still had a lasagna pan to clean from the day prior. During our time together, my daughter was also in the kitchen with us engaged on her phone. My friend asked her if she liked my cooking and my daughter said "we usually eat Subway every night for dinner." My friend obviously observing this not to be the case, said to her very frankly "well maybe you should start cooking." At this part of the conversation, I started realizing the little boundaries I have established for myself and that her speech was disrespectful and inappropriate toward me. The next day, I had a very busy schedule and also an education night at school. I decided not to make dinner since the last three dinners including chicken stir fry were not eaten by my family but complained about (one night I even ordered pizza to appease their complaint). By the way, my chicken stir fry and lasagna are pretty good. I called my husband to pick up dinner on the way home, however, he didn't get the message until he was already a few streets away. When my husband arrived home and there was no dinner and no plan, he was obviously furious because we needed to scoot out to the education night. I offered to order pizza, but he declined because he said the kids already ate pizza a few days prior (because they didn't want to eat what I had already made.) I reassured him there were apples, oranges, bananas, waffles, etc. and the kids would not starve. When we got in the car, he warned me to either start being a good wife and mother or he was going to kick me out of the house. I am beginning to see where the lack of appreciation starts and why the behavior continues....because I allow it. Setting a boundary is very difficult, but in the end I think it will be worthwhile. My children are going to eat Subway every day this week and my husband is just going to have to figure it out. I have devoted 16 years to making healthy and well balanced meals for my family, and I shouldn't be talked to in this matter. It is very painful and demoralizing. I know in my heart that I have done my best to serve this family the best I can and make home cooked meals very regularly despite the busy schedules. This friend is wise. While the hotel may be calling my name this week, it is important to keep this boundary.

New Start

It is a new day, new beginnings, new start. The Bible says if we confess our sins, God is faithful to forgive them and wash us clean. Some days even after I confess, there is a feeling of wearing white clothes under a black light with all of the spots still covering my clothes. They are freshly revealed, alive and everywhere. This clean start is a truth that has to be based on the accomplished work set before me, not on my feeling. This takes trust and belief that I am accepted "as is" today. So, am I going to dwell on a feeling, or am I going to believe in a majestic God that loves the depth of my heart because of what Jesus did for me on the cross? He doesn't see the impurity anymore, so why do I continue to believe false truths about myself? Satan only wants us to feel unworthy in order to stop the work that God wants to accomplish in us. God has new, big plans for the day and I am the only one standing in the way. It is time for a new start in him to do his work for his people. It is finished. I am consecrated to him and not living for myself, therefore let the light shine, wear white and live under the white light today.

Goals

As I have been contemplating future goals, it is imperative to analyze my genetic makeup and what makes me tick and thrive. God has given me a generous heart and gift of giving, and my new goal is to become a renowned female philanthropist. Why would this be a goal? Well, only to illuminate the reality of Christ in my life and to spread the good news of the gospel so others may be given new lives. This may seem next to impossible but anything is possible with God. In the bible it says "ask and you shall receive." As I am typing this, many amazing impossibilities are already happening that can only be attributed to this amazing creator of the universe. Often times, I feel God has me right at the center of big happenings. He allows me to see his magnificent, majestic work which only increases my faith as time passes and challenges me to never be comfortable and complacent. There are so many injustices in the world and so many suffering people. It is my dream to alleviate their stresses and give them hope for a future. He changes hearts and transforms lives into his likeness to mimic his goodness. This incredible miracle transpired for me in 1997. This is clearly a mystery - his mystery but miraculous. He takes hearts of stone and changes them into hearts for him and others. This is pure joy, even when trials come (and they surely will.) The spirit is always there to sustain the waves. He is the cornerstone and refuge in times of trouble. So pouring into non-profits, feeding the poor and making a name for him are a top priority. He can do it. He can make it happen. My chore is to believe and follow him where he leads! This is my goal.

Purses and Personalities

As I was going thru the drive-thru of Starbucks today, an interesting thought crossed my mind. I thought of all of the different purses on the market along with the manufacturers, designers, visionaries, and marketing specialists who made their displays possible. Years of research probably went into surveying women on their likes and dislikes and more research probably went into studying behavior and personalities. What if purses really do reflect personalities. Today, I am carrying a shimmery tote. Why was I drawn to this purse? What attributes did it have that were so desirable? Well, I picked a color that would go with basically anything I wear. Does this mean I am practical? I typically wear black, red, gray and different shades of brown. Well, I picked a shimmery gold and this hardly screams practical (although, it was for the holiday season.) The reason for the tote style is so I can throw anything in there and know that I will eventually find what I need. Does this mean I make more work for myself than necessary when I need something? These thoughts just flashed by in an instant, but today I felt the need to write them down. Just think of all of the different types of purses on the market, some are big, some are small, some are square, some are round, some have many pockets, some are simple, some are bright and some are dull, some are cheap, some are expensive. Does the purse you choose depict your preference and personality?

New Year and New Beginnings

I am confident 2012 is going to be a year filled with courage. There are many exciting projects in the works, none of which are for the faint of heart. Lauren and I recently watched the movie We Bought a Zoo and one of my favorite parts of the movie was when the dad was talking to his 14 year old son about courage. He encouraged him to have 20 seconds of courage. My motto for this year is to take even more risks for the Lord in every capacity, whether it be in my relationship to my husband, kids, friends or extended family or whether it be serving and volunteering to advance his kingdom. Out with the old and in with the new sounds so cliche' but it is honestly the way I feel. God's grace will enable a fresh start filled great and mighty works. Courage will be the underlying theme of risk-taking, boldness, and a new sense of purpose. Fear of failure will be conquered, because in failure are the most prized lessons to be learned about others, self and especially our heavenly Father who delights to pick us up when we fall and who is slow to anger and abounding in love. My belief system will stay sustained on the basic principle found in John 20:31 which just so happened to be given to me at the end of 2011. It came framed and is now hanging in my kitchen. It reads "Believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you may have life in his name." Somehow in 2011, I had gotten off the beaten path to think that everything was on my shoulders. Intellectually, I know that even the government is on my heavenly Father's shoulders, but in my sin, I confess total stress and anxiety about my life in 2011 and trying to get everything I was doing "just right for him." Well, he doesn't necessarily want me to get everything "just right" and certainly delights in my heart's intentions and efforts, therefore, perfection is clearly his alone. He just wants all of my heart to trust him to work all things out exactly the way he has predestined and orchestrated them to be. A new year filled with courage and trust. I am really looking forward to what the Lord has in store for all of us. Believing takes courage! Knowing that courage can come in 20 second spurts, I will be praying for courage to believe, trust and know who is God :)