Fruitfulness Despite Suffering

God is steadfast and never failing. I know I can rely on him through hard times and difficult circumstances. His faithfulness to me means he follows through on his commitments and unfailing love and also enables me to do the same when I put my trust and confidence in him. He promises not to depart from me. He is able to replace a heart of stone filled with heartache and transform that same heart and fill it with peace, love and joy. Experiences of true transformation in the heart translate into being able to accept suffering because the suffering comes from his providential orchestrating of events in order to refine the heart for redemptive purposes. 1 Peter 4:19 says "so then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful creator and continue to do good. Perspective: In the long run, there will be no pain or suffering and every tear will be wiped away, so this life and the sufferings that come along with it are temporary. I can rejoice and remember that not even a hair can fall from my head without his knowledge and will. What great news and comfort to know how well I am known and loved. Psalm 139:1-18 "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body, All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. This is so comforting in the midst of sorrow.

Drifting spiritually

Our hearts are prone to wander. It is hard to stay focused and be intentional. Spiritual work takes perseverance and dedication. In January, I decided to take on a challenge and follow a friend's blog to get through the Bible in a year. I am thankful for her devotion, hard work and perseverance. Some days her words of encouragement and ability to bring the abundant truth to life were so exuberant and full of wisdom I could hardly contain myself to share this knowledge with others. Even with this kind of spiritual awareness and spoon feeding of the gospel, I found myself facing setbacks and spiritual drifting. Somehow daily life and challenges can steal joy. It is easy to get distracted and turn my heart toward other things. The security deposit of the holy spirit enabled me to not drift too far and am thankful for God's intervention to help me believe the truths in scripture and to pray and act upon the graces that have been shown to me. Hebrews 2:1-3 says "we must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. For if the message spoken by angels was binding, and every violation and disobedience received its punishment, how shall we escape if we ignore such a great salvation? The punishment for sin is death unless you are alive in Christ and accept what has been given so freely. There is nothing to add to this except acceptance and gratitude. Being a believer means I have trusted in Christ's accomplished work and am resting in him. This is really good news.

Things I've Learned

This morning I was praying to the Lord and asking him what he wants from me. A few minutes later, I opened the drawer next to my bed and low and behold was a piece of paper peaking out of a very special book. It is entitled "Things I've Learned" and when I started reading it, I realized why I saved it. These are not my words, and I am not even sure how I obtained this awesome piece of wisdom but am thankful I was smart enough not to throw it away. I think I will blog it, so it can be referred to as often as necessary, as there are some key principles that are meaningful and fruitful. Here goes:

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that the heroes are the people who do what has to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you are down, will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned that sometimes when I am angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean the don't love you with all they have. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experience you have had and what you have learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you have celebrated. I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they are going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, doesn't mean they do. I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned that the people you care about in life are taken from you too soon. Share this with all the people you BELIEVE in...I just did. Habakkuk 2:14 For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.

Well, now that I am choked up, that is all for now.

Purpose

After a near death experience on October 15, 2011, I have been reflecting on the meaning of life and its purpose. I have been thanking God for sparing my life and my daughter's life and am now in the proactive mode of accomplishing the project God put on my heart five years ago. The mission and purpose were to share personal testimonies of believers and enlighten others to transformations that occured before and after their conversions. Being a perfectionist and procrastinator has its fair share of setbacks, but I am confident God will be faithful in working through these issues to prove his glory and effectiveness in the midst of all my hangups. He has proven his love time and time again, but this one experience inparticular has had even a bigger impact and penetrated to a deeper understanding of God's grace in a very short time. As I have been reflecting on my son's illness just a few short years ago, I am clearly reminded again of life's precious moments and how every single day is truly a gift from him and him alone. Life as a believer is abundant even in the deepest pit of suffering. This is a mystery that only God can reveal but sharing experiences with others can help people reach a glimpse of what he is able to accomplish through us if we are willing to share ourselves and his story of work in us. For years I have struggled with the title of this book due to the vulnerability of the personal testimonies. Part of the excuse of not writing (along with all of my insecurities) was the fact I didn't have a perfect title. These stories are God's abundant work and miraculous grace, therefore, it needed to be fitting with the stories. Well, leave it to God to give the perfect title in his timing. It will be called The White Line. Since it is only by God's grace we were saved, I find this incredibly fitting. The day of the accident, Lauren and I were sitting at a stoplight waiting for the red light to change so we could make a left turn. Heading northbound on the crossroad was a car going approximately 80 miles per hour that crashed into a light post and went airborne flipping 180 degrees right over us and landing directly in front of us by a few feet. He landed on the white line; the white line I didn't drive up to that particular day for some strange reason. We would have instantly been crushed but God spared both of us leaving my car with minimal damage and just a few dents along with some blood and gasoline. The driver of the other car was killed instantly and was practically unrecognizable to us. There had to be a fleet of angels shielding my entire car that day because his engine flew clear across the highway along with many other parts of his car. Therefore, since I am still here, it has become evident this project needs to come to fruition sooner than later. Please keep the project in your prayers!

Doctors, Doctors and More Doctors

I am not updating as often as I would like, but we have been living in the Dr.'s offices lately. We were referred to another GI specialist who looked over some of Paul's records over the last 18 months. This Dr. was very surprised there weren't other tests run on Paul during his hospital stay last year. After examining Paul, Jr., Dr. Weinstock ordered a SWEAT test to be done at Children's to check for Cystic Fibrosis. He also prescribed Zifaxan to help kill bacteria in the small intestine. The test was done Feb. 15th and we got the results back later in the afternoon that Paul was out of the normal range. Normal is 0-40, and Paul tested a 50. When I got the call from Dr. Weinstock, he said the next step would be blood work. He also prescribed pancreatic enzymes for Paul to start to help him start digesting his food. The pulmonary nurse from Children's contacted me the next day to explain the protocol. She made an appt. for Paul to see the head pulmonary Dr. on March 11th, Dr. Sweet. She also explained to me they would need another SWEAT test, so we did the 2nd one on the 18th. That one also came back abnormal, but lower abnormal at a 43. She explained he is an A typical case and not a classic case. We are waiting for the blood results to come back to see what mutations have been affected. However, they are checking 97 mutations first and then 115. There are a total of 1500 mutations but not enough research to back the less common ones. In the meantime, the pediatrician has been in contact with Dr. Tarr's office at Children's and Dr. Tarr is talking to the CF Dr. who headed up the study on stomach pain in CF patients. He is also talking to Dr. Noon (not sure what he does). Dr. Tarr has all of Paul's paperwork from various Dr.s over the last 18 months and is meeting with other Dr.'s to review them and come up with a plan.

Paul's Update

I thought it might be a good idea to keep track of what is going on again with Paul, Jr. Approx. 5 weeks ago, he started having severe abdominal pain again. I let it go for a couple of weeks and then we ventured to the Dr. to get some answers. The Dr. found the Crypto was back along with some Nematodes and a few viruses (i.e. Mono, West Nile, EBV). He put him on Trileaf and two others to kill the viruses and Crypto. While the symptoms persisted, the meds definately worked. Within one week the Crypto was gone and within 3 the Nematodes were gone and all the viruses cleared up. However, he was still having severe stomach pain. Yesterday, he came in my room and was having real trouble breathing, so I called the pediatrician and got in right away. He was put on a steriod for Croup. Later in the afternoon, we visited Dr. Howell to find out Paul may have leaky-gut syndrome due to inflammation from food allergens. He also suspects an autoimmune reaction to his blood and intestines and found his immune globulins out of balance. He took him off all prior meds he prescribed earlier for the parasites and urged us to avoid all grains and gave Paul a GI comfort formula to restore normal bacteria in his gut. He also gave us a Probiotic. He told me to try Aloe in the gel form which I can find at Whole Foods to help heal the lining as well. He thinks we should follow the Blood Type diet strictly. I have never been so overwhelmed and confused about what to put in his body. Last year it was Fructose Intolerance which turned out not to be the case at all. The next Dr. said to eat plenty of meat but avoid wheat and dairy. The next Dr. said he is highly allergic to yeast but wheat and dairy are ok. The next Dr. said follow the Blood Type Diet strictly which allows some dairy but no red meat. UGGHH. The most frustrating thing of all is that we have tried literally EVERYTHING and nothing seems to help. It has been 18 months with abdominal pain and misery with 2 months at the beginning of school that seemed to be a little better. I wish I could remember what I was doing for those two months with him.

Three Steps Forward, One Step Back

Sorry I haven't updated this blog in a while. I am still trying to sort through anger, grief and frustration. While Paul is improving, he still has many moments of feeling miserable. Our last Dr. visit (May 4th) indicated Paul's lungs and liver were not doing well, so the Dr. decided he needed something stronger than just the cleanse four times per day and put him on Alinia twice a day for three days. This is a heavy-duty drug to kill Cryptosparidium. Apparently, the cycles are very hard to catch and kill. He got terribly sick while taking it and missed four days of school. He has to wait three weeks and do it all over again for three more days, so we are not really looking forward to next week. Paul has had more good days than bad and is able to eat a wider variety of food. We also found out he is allergic to green beans, tuna, cod, beans, and the big one is YEAST. The parasites cause the food intolerances which hopefully will be temporary. I met with a dear friend for coffee the other day and she gave me "The Message of Job" by David Atkinson which is a very healing and comforting book. She said "you know, the emotions you are experiencing are very normal, but the trouble with our society is people really don't know how to lament". Repressing feelings is unhealthy. There is a grieving process to walk through. Glad to know I have only lost a few marbles. I am thankful to see improvement and know it could be much worse. We are thanking God for many reasons especially living in such close proximity to school. I am there 5 times a day. The last day of school will be a HUGE celebration. I know through the process of affliction there can be deliverance. God can heal him any time he is ready. We are waiting as patiently as possible for his timing. One of the highlighted pages in this book states "It is one of the fundamental contributions of pain to make people wake up to a deeper quality of existence and to seek evidence for meaning in their lives beyond the immediate sensations that arrest their attention". Oh how true. I am sooo busted. Learning deeper things of God has been a tremendous blessing. My new moto is try not to sweat the small stuff and try even harder not to sweat the big stuff! It is all temporary....and someday will come without pain and suffering. Plucked right out of the cares of the world and right into his daily presence.